


Aftermath

by Ghost97296



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blood, Depression, Drug Use, Hallucinations, Harry cares for once, M/M, Minerva is a good friend, Nightmares, Remus is dealing with a lot of shit, Self Harm, Severus is a good friend, Suicidal Thoughts, baby murder (in a dream), flashbcks, werewolf trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:47:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28505451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost97296/pseuds/Ghost97296
Summary: Sirius is dead. After everything he has endured in life, Remus thought that he could finally start afresh with the man he loves. But Sirius is dead. Remus is left alone again and is just too much for him to handle this time.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes home to deal with Sirius' death.

He didn’t quite remember what happened after that. The rest was just a blur of emotions and noise. He could still see Sirius’ face, still fixed with a smile, fading away into the veil. Remus had to grab onto Harry to stop himself from following after him. Harry’s scream was the first thing to bring him back to some semblance of reality.

Remus was vaguely aware of Harry escaping his grasp, running to no doubt kill Bellatrix. That was fine with him. He wanted the bitch dead. He wanted to go after her himself, but he couldn’t will his body to move. He could only stand there, blankly staring at the archway that contained the veil, as if waiting for Sirius to saunter out with a smug smile on his face.

_You know me Moony, nothing can kill me that easily._

But nothing happened. There was no disturbance in the veil. No sign that Sirius even passed through it. No sign that he even existed. Remus remembered telling Harry that Sirius was gone and was never coming back. It hadn’t even sounded like himself. He didn’t even want to believe it.

The ground trembled at his feet as he heard the distant rumble of battle. A strong hand clamped over his shoulder, bringing him back to his senses. Remus turned sharply round to come face to face with Moody. He looked grim and cold, but there was a shadow of sympathy in his eyes.

“Voldemort’s here.” He said gruffly. “He’s fighting with Dumbledore in the lobby.”

Without thinking Remus took a step towards the battle where Harry no doubt would be, but Moody’s grasp held him firm.

“Harry’s fine, Dumbledore will protect him. Besides, the Ministry will get here any moment. You shouldn’t be here when they do.”

It was a cold fact that Remus knew all too well. Moody didn’t try to sugar coat the fact that Remus, as a werewolf, would be in danger. It also didn’t escape his notice that Moody had given him the perfect excuse to leave. To not have to deal with the looks of sympathy or glances of guilt.

Hesitantly, Remus nodded. He knew Moody was right. He wanted to help Harry, but he would be perfectly taken care of by the other members of the Order. He wanted to kill Voldemort himself, but even in his shocked state, he knew that Dumbledore was more than capable of handling it without him.

Remus took a step away from Moody and glanced back at the veil. Hoping for one last chance that Sirius might reappear. When he did not, Remus closed his eyes and disapperated.

Remus didn’t want to go back to 12 Grimmauld Place. That was Sirius’ home; well he guessed it was probably Harry’s now. It felt too much like he was trespassing. Also, he figured that was where everyone else would go, and he just wanted to be alone.

Remus went to the only other place he could think of. A little cottage in the middle of nowhere, near a large sprawling wild wood. He took a deep breath. He knew he shouldn’t have come back here, but he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

As he approached the cottage, a string of wards blocked his path. Remus quickly and easily dismantled them. They were old and he would have to set up new ones anyway. His hand rested on the door handle, hesitant to go inside, before he pushed his way through.

The house was much different on the inside. To the outside viewer, it looked like a tiny little one roomed bungalow, but on the inside it was more like a manor. It was only slightly illegal. Ever since Remus’ mere existence became illegal, he figured, why not just throw caution to the wind and have something nice for once.

Remus took off his dust covered cloak and hung it on a hook, not bothering to shake the dust off. The whole house was covered in a layer of dust and cobwebs. He hadn’t been to this house in twelve years. Ever since the first…

But he didn’t want to think about that. It felt strangely similar to what he was feeling now. He shook the thought out of his head.

Mindlessly, he wandered through the house. His fingers gently grazing the walls as memories flooded back to him. His mind danced in the past, the very bricks whispering to him. He could hear his voice. Sirius. Full of life and joy.

_“Moony! This is fantastic!” Sirius exclaimed. “How did you even manage it? Oh, I always believed in your magical brilliance, but how much willpower did it take for you to do something so illegal?”_

_Remus rolled his eyes. “I am a_ Marauder _, you know.” He turned and brought his hands to cup Sirius’ face. “And I wanted to do something special for my love.”_

_He brought Sirius close and kissed him, soft and sweet, before he let go to continue with the tour._

_“And besides, we had to get out of that god forsaken house you lent to the Order. It seems only fitting that we get a place of our own.”_

_Now it was Sirius’ turn to roll his eyes. “Does Dumbledore know you’re such a criminal?”_

_Remus smirked. “No, and I don’t plan on telling him. Or anyone for that matter. This is our little sanctuary.”_

_“Except for James and Lily?” Sirius said. “And Peter of course.”_

_“Obviously.” Remus said with a grin, leading Sirius into the magnificent master bedroom. “And they can bring little Harry, once he’s born.”_

_“Can you believe it’s been almost nine months already.” Sirius said. “Have you seen Lily lately, it looks like she’s ready to burst.”_

_Remus smiled sadly. “You know I haven’t, but I’m really hoping we can visit soon.”_

_“We will, my love.” Sirius said, bringing his hand to grasp Remus’. “And they will be glad to see you. We’ll be a family again.”_

_“It seems like we haven’t had any time to be a real family.” Remus said, sitting on the bed, a little deflated. “It’s just, with all these missions that Dumbledore keeps sending us on. We don’t even get a chance to be a proper couple.”_

_“Well that ends today.” Sirius said, joining him on the bed. “From here on out, we do everything together, no matter what old Dumbles says. Nothing will break us apart.”_

_Remus smiled as Sirius brought his hand up to his face, his thumb tracing the thin outline of the scar._

_“I promise, nothing will ever take me away from you.” He whispered._

_“Or I from you.” Remus agreed._

_Sirius smiled as he leaned in to kiss him._

Remus staggered backwards into the wall, his head impacting with the hard surface. He stared at the bed. Their bed. It belonged to both of them. When both of them…

Remus shut his eyes, trying to block the memories out. What was he doing there? Why did he come back? Remus’ vision swam as he tried to feel his way out of the room. He could make his way through this house blind, and that’s just what he did, not daring to open his eyes for even a moment in fear that he might see Sirius again.

He made it to the bathroom where he turned on the tap. Quickly splashing his face with the cold icy water. It didn’t help the feeling of fire that was slowly melting off his skin. His hands were shaking and he was suddenly very aware of the necessity of oxygen when he realised he had stopped breathing.

He tried to intake a breath, but couldn’t. A horrible sound erupted from his throat like the sound a dog makes when it is dying. Tears spilled from his eyes as he struggled to breath. He gripped the edge of the sink so hard he was worried it was going to break.

He glanced upwards, making eye contact with the hideous figure in front of him. His eyes were blood shot and red, and splotches of red and blue were appearing on his skin; no doubt from the lack of oxygen. He really needed to take control of that.

He breathed and breathed again, each time it became more painful. He couldn’t tear his gaze from those grotesque eyes. So dead and bloodied. They seemed to be accusing him. Begging him why he did it. Why did he let him die. He was a coward and a monster. He deserved to feel like this.

There was a flash of white and the sound of shattering glass. When Remus glanced back up, he came face to face with the ragged wall. All around him shards of glass littered the ground like ice. There were drips of red in the sink and when he looked down, he noticed his right hand was covered with blood.

It took another second for the faint feeling of pain to spread from his knuckles and up his arm, before his throat unclenched and a breath of oxygen filled his aching lungs.

He fell backwards, stumbling to the floor, gasping and spluttering pathetically for air. His vision was fuzzy and filled with black spots, but at least he didn’t feel like dying. Well, at least his body didn’t feel like dying. His mental state was a whole other matter.

He stayed there, gazing blindly into space, for who knows how long. Eventually, his breathing evened out to a relatively normal pace. When he brought up his hand, he realised that it was already healed. Perks of being a werewolf, he guessed. Then he immediately felt disgusted with himself for giving any praise to the curse.

He then hated himself even more because the curse didn’t even allow him to feel pain. Not for long, anyway. He wanted to feel the pain. The glass cutting up his hand had felt positively euphoric. At least it stopped him thinking about Sirius.

That’s what Remus needed. Something to stop him thinking.

He got up off the bathroom floor, not bothering to clean anything up, and headed down to sitting room. He let himself fall down on the sofa, lifting his wand as he did so. He didn’t know much about narcotic spells, but he remembered enough from the first time. He quickly flourished his wand; he was skilled enough to not need to say the incantation out loud.

Presently a dusty blue cloud emitted from the end of his wand. He let the vapour envelope over him. He slowly breathed it in, the strong sent burned his nose and throat, but after a moment, he stoped caring.

He stopped caring about anything. Stopped feeling. Stopped seeing. Stopped dreaming. He was lost inside the utter blankness of his mind. He cared for nothing anymore. Nothing mattered.

He was utterly free.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Oder worries about Remus

As soon as Harry was safely taken care of and sent back to his aunt and uncle, Dumbledore called a meeting.

The Order of the Phoenix assembled at 12 Grimmauld Place, obviously minus the children. Molly and Arthur Weasley, Moody, Kingsley, Tonks, Minerva and Severus were all there. However, there was the very obvious absence of Sirius and the all the more worrying absence of Remus.

“Has anyone seen him since the Department of Mysteries?” Minerva asked.

“No.” Moody said. “I told him he should leave before the Ministry arrived. He nodded and left. I wasn’t particularly concerned with where he went. He needed to be alone.”

“That I can agree with.” Kingsley said. “He looked like he was about to drop dead from the shock.”

“It was so awful.” Tonks said sadly. “I’ve never seen him like that. You don’t think anything has happened, do you?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Arthur asked.

“Well, what if Voldemort got to him, or the death eaters, or the Ministry, or…” She faltered, her gaze lowering.

“You’re worried what Remus would do.” Severus said, coldly. “Now that he has lost the last man he could call a friend.”

“I think we can all agree that Remus and Sirius were more than just ‘friends’.” Molly spoke up. “Even you can’t have missed that.”

“But that was years ago.” Arthur said to his wife. “They had split apart before everything went into chaos. Then they didn’t see each other for twelve years, both thinking they had been betrayed by the other. They’ve only had two years to get to know each other again.”

“But they were working things out though.” Tonks said quietly. “R-Remus, he told me. He was so happy. Things were finally working again… a-and now… it’s all over. They’ll never get to be together ever again.” The poor girl looked close to tears.

Minerva, who was sitting next to her, place a comforting arm around her. “Shh, dear, it’ll be all right.” She glanced up at Dumbledore. “Albus, we need to find him.”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. “Why would we do that? I believe Remus would appreciate some time alone to sort through his feelings.”

Minerva shared a worried glance with Molly. “Yes, but… remember what happened last time.”

Molly went pale. “You don’t think…”

Minerva sadly nodded.

Tonks looked up. “What? What happened last time?” She asked worriedly.

Molly looked away, while Minerva tried to find a softer way of describing Remus’ suicidal spiral into depression.

“Remus, he… doesn’t handle grief well when he is on his own.”

“Why?” Tonks asked, pulling away. “What does he do?”

“I agree with Minerva.” Severus said, leaning forward and interrupting Tonks’ interrogation. “I believe that finding Remus should be one of our upmost priorities.”

“Now this is a surprise.” Molly said sharply. “Why do you suddenly care what happens to him.”

“Ever since we made an unbreakable vow to protect and never harm the other, bonding us together as brothers.” Severus said matter-of-factly.

Molly was shocked into silence. Even Dumbledore was surprised, but he did his best not to show it.

“When exactly did this happen?” Moody asked, amused.

“We first took the vow when we were in our forth year, after the unfortunate incident involving Mr Black and a werewolf. Minerva acted as our witness.”

All eyes turned to Minerva, but Severus continued before he was interrupted.

“We then renewed our vow last year after Voldemort’s unfortunate return. We had, both of us, exploited and betrayed the vow over the years, but as the threat of Voldemort increased, we decided to put aside petty rivalries and strengthen our bond together, for both of our safety.”

“Well then.” Dumbledore said amusedly. “I will leave you and Minerva to track down our missing werewolf.”

Severus tried not to wince at the way Dumbledore referenced Remus, as if he was only as useful as his curse.

“Take Moody with you, I believe he has a certain affinity for tracking down wizards who don’t want to be found.”

Moody nodded absently.

“I’m coming too.” Molly said determinedly.

“So am I.” Tonks agreed.

“No.” Dumbledore said. “I need both of you here. Molly, you are to return to the Burrow and keep that safe house safe. Tonks, you are going to go with Kingsley and Arthur back to the Ministry. I will need information.”

Tonks slumped down, looking like she wanted to argue. She was kept silent from the scowl across Molly’s face. She wanted to protest too, but she knew better than to argue with Dumbledore.

“Right then.” Severus stood up, glancing at Minerva and Moody. “Shall we?”

He guided the two out of the room to begin planning on how they would find Remus. Hopefully before it was too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus' hallucinations get worse and he turns to a highly addictive drug to sedate them.

_“Padfoot, slow down! They’ll still be there by the time we arrive.” Remus called, struggling to keep up with an overexcited Sirius._

_“Come on, Moony!” Sirius slowed, only to grab Remus’ hand before taking off again, pulling his poor boyfriend behind him. “It’s finally happening and I’ll be damned if I miss it!”_

_They tore through the corridors of St.Mungo’s hospital, before arriving at the maternity ward. They looked at the labels on the doors and through windows to find the right one. Sirius had been too excited to even ask the front desk where to find them._

_Remus traced the names on the labels before exclaiming. “Sirius, over here!”_

_Sirius ran to his side, his excitement uncontainable. Hopping from one foot to the other, he pushed open the door making his grand entrance. Remus paused for a moment, standing in the doorway. He watched his two best friends embrace with all the noise of ‘congratulations’ and ‘ya never gonna sleep again mate’._

_Looking towards the bed, Remus saw his other best friend, Lily. She wore a simple hospital gown with a cosy looking cardigan to keep her warm. Her cheeks were puffed and her hair was a little lank, but she was glowing with a radiance Remus had never seen before._

_The reason for it lay curled up in her arms, swaddled in such a mass of blankets that Remus didn’t recognise it at first as the baby. Baby Harry. The little life they were all so anxious to meet was now laying there, safe within his mother’s arms._

_“Moony!” James cried out, as Sirius went to give Lily a big hug. “Come in, come in, don’t be shy!”_

_Remus rolled his eyes as he embraced his friend. It had been so long since he had seen him. Remus had been on mission after mission, never finding a chance to check in on his family._

_“James, I’m so happy for you.” He said with a smile as they pulled apart. “You deserve this, you really do.”_

_James lightly punched Remus’ shoulder. “Don’t get all sappy on me, Moony. I’m the only one allowed to be sappy today.”_

_“Of course you are.” Remus smirked. “You’re gonna be the best sappy father in the world.”_

_James cheeks filled up with red before he turned away to wipe away the tears that suddenly filled his eyes. “Shut up!” He laughed._

_Remus laughed too, patting his poor friend on the back._

_“Remus, dear, I hope you haven’t forgotten about me.” Lily’s voice sang through the air._

_Remus turned to her, his smile widening as he met her warm green eyes._

_“Of course not.” He bent down to hug her and gave her a little kiss on the cheek. “I’ve missed you Lily.”_

_“And I’ve missed you, so, so much!” She whined. “But look! I’ve had this little one keep me company.” She exclaimed, holding up Harry at an angle so that Remus could see his face._

_“This is Harry James Potter.” She said proudly. “Harry, meet your uncles Moony and Padfoot.”_

_“Hello there, old chap.” Sirius cooed, leaning in to tickle Harry's face._

_“That’s my son!” James exclaimed, leaning against Sirius. “I’m a father!”_

_“I will never understand it.” Sirius said. “How on earth will you ever be mature enough to take care of something so tiny and fragile as that?”_

_James pulled back in mock offence. “I’ll have you know, I was once head boy!”_

_“Being head boy is a little different to being a father.” Teased Sirius._

_“Why? I was basically a father to you lot.”_

_“No you weren’t! If anyone’s the father of the group it’s Remus!”_

_Remus rolled his eyes at his friends bickering. He turned his attention back to Lily and Harry. He was struck by just how much he looked like James._

_“I know what you’re thinking.” Lily said, gazing at Harry. “He really is his father’s son.”_

_“But with your eyes.” Remus said, watching as Harry opened his tired little eyes. “I believe there’s more of you in him than anyone.”_

_Lily hummed in satisfaction, but Remus kept his gaze on Harry. The little miracle. His little cub. He wouldn’t let anything harm him, as long as he could help it._

_“Do you want to hold him?”_

_Lily’s words shook him out of his daze. He snapped his eyes up to face her._

_“What?” He breathed._

_Lily looked at him encouragingly. “Do you want to hold him?”_

_Remus backed up, vaguely noticing Sirius and James had stopped arguing to turn and look at him._

_“I-I… I don’t…” Remus stammered._

_“It’s okay.” Lily said, holding little baby Harry out towards him. “Here take him. It’s perfectly safe.”_

_Remus was lost for words. He loved Harry, he did. He would never hurt him. But something stopped him from touching him. Let alone hold him. What if he dropped him? What if he scratched him? What if… what if he bit him?_

_“Moony, are you all right?” Sirius placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but it didn’t provide the grounding warmth that it usually did._

_“Come on.” James said, taking Harry from Lily and bringing him closer to show Remus. “It’s easy, see? Nothing’s gonna go wrong. I trust you.”_

_Remus felt his breath quicken. As Harry got closer, the hotter Remus felt. Like when he was close to touching something silver. All his instincts just said ‘run!’_

_“No.” He stammered out. “I-I c-can’t.”_

_“Why not?” James laughed out. “Don’t you want to hold my son?”_

_Of course he did. Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he. This was James and Lily’s son. They were right, what could go wrong?_

_Remus held out his arms for the baby. James smiled and trustingly placed little Harry into his arms, adjusting his position so that he supported his head. When he stepped back, he smiled. Remus smiled too. So did Lily and Sirius, looking proudly on as the werewolf held the baby._

_Remus was still smiling as he brought Harry closer to his face, his teeth gnashing down on his neck._

_Lily’s scream filled the room, louder than Harry’s; well it would be since Remus just tore through his wind pipe. Blood poured everywhere, spilling past Remus’ lips and down his neck and chest. Sirius frantically tried to pull Harry out of his grasp, but Remus was too strong. James was casting spells at him, but he was too afraid to hit Harry. Remus would have told him not to worry as the baby was already dead._

_Eventually, Remus’ jaw opened and the little dead baby Harry fell from his grasp onto the floor with a sickening splat._

Remus bolted upright, sucking in a breath of air. He breathed heavily, his eyes darting at the room around him. He was on the floor of his bedroom, he must have fallen off the bed. He scanned the floor for any dead babies. He checked his body for any blood. There was none.

Remus closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands. He was covered with a layer of sweat, he shivered.

Why? Why did he have to be such a monster? He couldn’t even hold a baby without killing it!

But wait. That wasn’t what happened.

Remus frantically tried to pull at the memory. The real memory, not the nightmare.

_“Why not?” James laughed out. “Don’t you want to hold my son? Remus, what’s wrong?”_

_So much was wrong. Couldn’t they understand that? Didn’t they know that Remus could kill their child as soon as they gave him to him. Or worse, didn’t they know he could infect him?_

_The possibility of danger was too much for him to bare._

_“Remus, love, what is it?” Came Sirius’ soothing voice._

_Remus ignored him, as he pushed passed and stumbled from the room. He could hear them calling him, but he didn’t look back. He didn’t want to think about it. He just had to leave. Had to get out. Had to breath. Why couldn’t he breath? He couldn’t breath!_

Remus’ eyes snapped back open and he sucked in more air.

Okay, so the reality wasn’t exactly comforting, but at least he hadn’t murdered any babies, so that was a plus.

His arms trembled as he crawled to his nightstand, grabbing his wand. He fell back, resting against his bed. He flourished his wand. A kind of dusky red cloud plumed from the end of it, wafting up his nose and into his mouth.

He usually liked the dusty blue, but that one tended to make him dazed and sleepy. He didn’t want to fall back to sleep, not with all the dreams he was having. The dusky red provided the same numbness, but also kept him alert.

He stayed where he was for a few moments, before struggling to his feet and drawing on his shabby robe. He limped downstairs and thought about making some breakfast. He had got to the kitchen, when he noticed the clock: 2:37am. He paused. A very early breakfast he decided.

He turned on the stove and grabbed some eggs. He magic wasn’t all that reliable when he was high, so he decided to do it the muggle way. He only got a couple of shells in the mixture before he decided he wouldn't bother to get them out. He could cope with some crunchy scrambled eggs.

He took it to the table where he ate in complete silence. He didn’t even notice the time go by until his plate was empty. He picked it up and placed it with the other dirty dishes that he would clean with magic once he was sober. He ignored the fact that he didn’t intend to be sober for a long time.

Again, he was hit with a similar feeling when…

His leg bounced on the floor and his fingers drummed the table. What he really needed was Ivy. The cigarettes with the smoky green colour. Yes, he liked those. They were different than what he could produce with a wand. They had a different kind of… addiction.

He remembered it took him ages to give them up. He wondered what they would taste like, he had forgotten.

Remus apperated to Knockturn Alley and stumbled through the darkened streets. Everything was open here at night, if you knew where to look. Again Remus felt that strange sensation of familiarity…

He got to the shop stocked full of euphoric wizarding narcotics. Even from outside, Remus could smell it. He entered the shop, a pleasant little ding chimed.

“Hello there, dear.” The woman behind the counter called to him. “How may I be of service this fine night?”

Remus ignored her and instead scanned the shelves. He pretended he couldn’t feel his heart rate increase when he couldn’t find it. Where was it? Where were they?

“Anything in particular, love?” She asked, leaning over the counter, her rich velvety voice made to sound highly seductive.

Remus’ eyes snapped to her. She was youngish, black long hair with a streak of red in it. She had heavy eyeshadow, making her eyes look hollow and skull-like. Her lips were blood red.

“Anything special I can do for you?” She leaned further over the counter.

Remus staggered over to her, slamming his hands down on the counter. The force of it made her flinch backwards. “Ivy. You had it here before.”

The woman merely smiled sweetly. “Of course we do, love. In the back.” She winked at him before turning away in a way that she knew he would look at her.

Remus didn’t spare her a second glance. His fingers drummed the counter as he waited. His eyes scanning the windows. He didn’t know what for, but he just didn’t want anyone to see him.

Presently, the woman returned with a pack. She held it out to him with a sly smile curling around her lips.

Remus eyed it, then his eyes narrowed coldly. “I want more.” He growled.

The woman didn’t bat an eye before she went away and came back with five more packs. “That enough for you, love?”

Remus practically seethed. He didn’t know where this anger was coming from, but he suspected the wolf had something to do with it. He didn’t like being this out in the open. His skin felt itchy, and his heart rate hadn’t decreased since he had got here.

“More.” He hissed.

The woman raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment as she left to fetch three full boxes of the packs. Good. That should last him a while.

Remus brought out his money to pay. Part of his mind knew that he really didn’t have enough to spare on this stuff, but his heart was beating faster than ever and Sirius’ face started to fill his head and he suddenly had the urge to smash his hand into another mirror.

He paid for the way too overpriced drugs, before he left the shop and apperated home. As soon as he stepped into the hallway, he dropped the boxes and threw his fist into the wall.

A scream escaped him as he felt his hand break and the stone wall crack, but his mind did clear somewhat and his heart slowed down a bit. He did it one more time, a more guttural scream and a few tears released this time as he crushed his already broken hand, but it did the trick.

His head cleared for a moment. The haziness of the drugs wearing off. He felt calm. He felt peaceful. He breathed in clean air.

_What the hell are you doing, Moony?_

The terrible smooth voice of Sirius returned.

_How dare you do this to yourself. Wallowing in self pity. It’s pathetic._

Remus scrambled to his feet, clutching his broken hand to his chest. He ran through the hallway, trying to pinpoint the exact position of the voice, so he could…

_So you can what? What more could you possibly do to me? You’ve already killed me. Betrayed me. Mistrusted me. I thought you loved me!_

“I do!” The words slipped from Remus’ mouth before he could stop them. “I do! I love you! Please!”

_Please? Are you going to beg? You’re pathetic. How dare you think you could love anything. How dare you think anyone could love you. You’re a monster. Incapable of feeling. Incapable of loving. You’re a mindless beast. All you can do is kill!_

“No!” Tears started spilling from his eyes. “No, please! Sirius, please! Please don’t!”

_You’re pathetic._

“I’m sorry!” Remus cried. “I’m so sorry, love! I’m so sorry…”

_You’re a monster._

“I’m sorry…”

Remus fell and curled into himself, begging the pain to stop. Begging that Sirius would stop.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Remus squeezed his broken hand, the pain distracting him from the words somewhat.

“I’m sorry…” He choked.

The words never stopped. All he could hear was Sirius. All he could think was how much he let him down. How much he let everyone down.

Slowly, he crawled towards the boxes. He carefully tried to open them with his wand, but his magic wasn’t working. He settled on ripping it apart with his left hand. He managed to free one of the packs, tossing out one of the cigarettes.

He brought it to his mouth and lit it with the snap of his finger; at least that magic was working.

As soon as he inhaled the green smoke, his mind grew blank. A total numbness fell upon him, greater than anything he felt with his own magic. It was blissfully quiet, completely empty.

The voices fell silent.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minerva, Severus and Moody search for Remus, meanwhile, Remus prepares for the full moon.

“Where on earth did he go?” Moody said, exasperated.

They were up in Remus’ room looking for any clue or sign of where he went. They had already been to Hogwarts, Godric’s Hollow, that little muggle flat he once stayed in… every last known address he owned.

“Could it be possible he isn’t staying in a house?” Severus asked.

“What? Homeless in the wild?” Minerva asked, disapprovingly.

“With other werewolves, I mean.”

“No.” Minerva said definitively. “He hates them. He wouldn’t willingly go join them.”

“Unless he hates himself so much he feels as if that is what he deserves.” Severus said coldly.

Minerva snapped up. “No. I won’t even think of that. He wouldn’t go that far.” She shook her head. “No, knowing Remus, he would want to be alone. Unfindable.”

“Well it’s just grand that we’re trying to find him then.” Moody said, looking up from a drawer he was searching.

Minerva slumped down on a chair, defeated. “I just hoped we could find him before tonight.” She sighed. “He shouldn’t have to go through it alone and in such a poor mental state.”

Severus nodded gravely. “This will be the first full moon in two years where he has to be alone. As much as I hated Sirius, I was glad he could provide some form of support for Remus.”

Minerva eyed him suspiciously. “I have to say, Severus, that as much as I understand your vow of friendship, you’ve never been quite so committed to it. Wasn’t it you who reveal his secret and forced him to resign from Hogwarts?”

Severus bowed his head. “Yes, it was. And I’m not proud of that. I just hated Sirius so much, and I hated that Remus would rather side with a convicted murderer than with the man who’d been helping him the entire year.”

“He loved him, you know.” Minerva said softly. “He never stopped. Of course he was going to believe he was innocent. That doesn’t mean you had to betray his secret like that.”

“Well, technically, I didn’t betray anything.” Severus said. “I simply dropped hints and the students worked it out for themselves.”

“That is dishonourable, Severus.”“I said I wasn’t proud of it.” Severus sighed. “Besides, I’m sure he would have rather spent the time living here with Sirius.”

There was a moment of silence as they sifted through more of Remus’ belongings, none of which he had come back to pick up.

“I say.” Moody mused. “It’s been weeks, surely he must have gone out to buy supplies and food. What else could he need? Socks? Shampoo?”

“Drugs.” Severus said.

“I beg your pardon?” Minerva exclaimed.

“Don’t pretend you haven’t thought it. Remember last time. You found him so full of narcotics that he was choking on his own vomit. What else could he have been doing all this time?”

Minerva looked down, not wanting to imagine her poor Remus high on drugs, suffering in a house alone.

Moody cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, did you say drugs?”

Severus nodded. “Yes, he became quite an addict after James and Lily died and Sirius was sent to Azkaban. A few narcotics he could perform himself, but he was especially prone to Ivy.”

“Ivy… yes I’ve heard of that. Comes in the form of green cigarettes, if I’m not mistaken.” Moody pondered. “Weren’t they banned a few years ago for being too addictive and poisonous.”

“Yes.” Minerva said sharply. “And Remus worked hard to overcome that addiction. He would not give in to a relapse.”

“Sirius hadn’t died then.” Severus said gravely.

“Yes, but you could argue that something worse had happened.” Minerva dismissed.

“You could also see that Remus was barely holding on as it was. He was already broken when he still had Sirius in his life. And to watch the man you love die in front of your eyes, knowing you could have done something to prevent it? I would say this is as good a time as any for a relapse.”

“If we are going with your Ivy theory,” Moody interrupted. “I may know a place where he could buy those.”

000

Remus was numb. He’d been this way for weeks now, never letting himself become sober enough to feel anything. He spent his days laying on his bed or on the couch or on the floor, bathing in smoke and fumes. The only time he felt anything was if he woke from a nightmare. He slept in short sessions, never lasting more than three hours. He woke frequently and always after some horrifying experience.

It was usually some distorted memory; from his time with the Marauders, being alone after their deaths and Sirius’ betrayal, or one of his typical werewolf problems. However, the worst ones were of him and Sirius. Their first admission that they loved each other after years of mutual pining. The day they came out to their friends. The day they moved in together. The day he died.

Remus would wake up shivering in a cold sweat, barely able to remember where he was. It was during this period where the voices would come. Sirius’ voice. Remus didn’t know whether it was hallucinations brought on by the drugs, his sleep deprived mind, his guilt, or whether he was simply haunted by Sirius’ ghost. It felt like he was going mad.

The only way to dispel the voices was more drugs. Although the blue made him fall asleep again and brought on more nightmares. The red gave him energy and motivation to actually get stuff done, but also gave him severe panic attacks. The only way to calm down again was by hurting himself, which also brought back the voices.

The only thing that really tended to work was Ivy, which brought on perfect numbness. He would lie down and stare at the ceiling feeling completely empty for hours before exhaustion took him. And thus the cycle would continue.

During this time Remus had eaten little and slept even less. His sense of time had gone out the window and it was only when he woke up in the morning feeling the dreaded pull of the moon, did he realise how much he had fucked up.

The wolf hated drugs.

He ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up. He didn’t have much to empty from his stomach, so it was mostly bile and acid. His bones ached and his head felt like it was being squashed under an elephant’s foot. He fell back at rested against the wall, breathing heavily at the ceiling.

Gotta get sober.

He had experienced it enough during the last time. The wolf was a wild beast, if anything. It liked to be free. To have the energy to run. It liked to have a clear head to hear and smell its prey. It liked to see clearly without the hindrance of a spinning and foggy brain. If it felt like it was being restricted or trapped… well, Remus would definitely be feeling its frustration in the morning.

Remus splashed his face with cold water before stumbling back downstairs to the kitchen. He poured himself a cold glass of water and gulped it all down before filling up another. He put on some toast before he realised he was far to nauseous to eat anything. Never mind. If the wolf wanted to throw it back up it wasn’t his problem.

It was by mid afternoon before the voices returned. It was Sirius’, like always, and the sound of his voice almost sent Remus into a crying mess again. He ran to the corner of his bedroom, his hands over his ears, trying to block out the hateful words the man he loved screeched. A series of ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’s escaped his lips. Remus had left his wand downstairs in order to not tempt himself to use it to dispel the voice. It was probably a smart decision in the long run, but Remus cursed himself for being so responsible.

It was a few more hours before the pain started to hit. Remus hadn’t let it go this far without taking some sort of relief until now. His lungs felt it first, then his throat and his head. The burning sensation of ice clawing its way through his body. He knew it was withdrawals from the Ivy. He knew this was what made them so addictive and dangerous.

It wasn’t the blissful euphoria they provided, but the hideous anguish they left you with. It _hurt_ not to use them. Remus cursed himself for ever taking them up again. He’d been such a fool. But it was too late now. He’d already succumbed.

A few hours until sunset. Could he really do it? He knew that the pain would increase and the voices would just get louder and more hateful, but was it really worth it? Remus thought that maybe it was… until he opened his eyes and saw one there.

The relief he needed. The relief he wanted. Without thinking he launched himself over to his bed and threw his hand under it. His fingers curled around the hellish little cylinder of paper and brought it up to his lips. His snapped his fingers and a flame appeared.

No. He thought as the green smoke filled his lungs and warmth spread through his body. It definitely isn’t worth it.

A few hours later, numbed and his head completely silent, Remus apperated to a remote part of the woods. He had set this up years ago. He had a hundred acres of empty forrest to roam in, the boundaries warded so that nothing could get in or out, except for him… and Sirius… sometimes James and Peter, but none of that mattered anymore. Not even birds could fly overhead.

Remus promptly stripped, stashing his clothes in a hidden compartment under a tree. Naked and shivering, Remus numbly waited for the moon to come. For the wolf to emerge. He didn’t dare think about the consequences he would face in the morning.

Finally the light of the full moon shone down on him and he screamed.


End file.
